Henrietta Maddox Webloner


A blessed mortality check

No matter what the form, most adults have them. That moment of dread when you realise, “Oh! No – sorry – my bad, it could happen to me. I am not immortal.”

Recently, a television show has come out called The Big C. All about a woman who gets cancer which is already at stage 4. Living with a family of all men (husband, brother, son), she decides to keep it to herself and try to really live life before her time runs out. She experiments with new things that her old, dutiful, mature self would not and begins to have a lust for all things debaucherous. My basic point is she reassesses and I am sure many women who get cancer do.

Last week I was told I have CIN 3, also known as severe dyskaryosis. It’s when you have all abnormal cells in your cervix. And today I am going for a Colposcopy. When I found out I was, of course, immediately petrified. But yesterday morning, walking along the beach, I realised it is such a wonderful thing that has happened:

First of all, it’s not cancer. It’s pre-cancerous cells. And I’ve found it early because I take care of myself.

Second of all, it’s a fantastic mortality check for me. A glimpse at what some women and men go through on a mammoth scale with diseases like cancer, multiple sclerosis and parkinson’s disease (to name a few).It’s like the ego becomes confused and needs to readjust with its relationship with time. And so the real you can come out for a little while as the stronger self.

I am remembering what is important: right now. The things that usually spur me into the slightest distress, anxiety or depression, have not this week because I know they don’t matter. It’s got me writing again and more interested in new things like twitter and going out to meet new friends. Like a bad break-up it’s left me feeling deflated, but equally grounded.

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